THiS TiME, iT'S FOR REAL.*

I've said it soo many times,
but this time i mean it.
it's over and done,
this shit is dead.
I've known for awhile it would come to this,
but i truely hoped it wouldn't.
[Denial.]
But i just can't take anymore of this shit.
The bullshit has got to stop,
and Nikki is saying
"The buck stops here."
That's it, i'm done, it's over, i'm living for me now,
and for my little ladies.
[♥]
I'm making this decision for them and for me.
Beacuse my babies and i, we deserve BETTER!!
And because i'm tired of accepting second best because i'm so afraid of change.
This time change is good.
I will make it through,
and this time i want to pass this tribulation
and learn the f*in moral
of this story already!
F*CK IT!
I'm done!
On to the next;
i
welcome it with open arms,
pain and tears, and relief and joy.
I'm moving on.
Dreaming on...
=D [Ya digg?]
♥

Hospital Stay.

So,
My youngest bambina was in the hospital for a week!
Mos Def,
one of the longest weeks of my life.
It started with a pimple on
the bambina's chin.
Which turned into what looked like a spider bite.
When the skin around it started to get red and swollen,
i took her to the doctor [Friday].
She was given antibiotics and sent home.
The next day,
She woke up very swollen and the redness was spreading,
i called the doctor.
Her normal pediatrician was off for the weekend,
his partner spoke with me.
He said not too much to worry about.
Around 4:00pm
i called again.
Chaz got up from her nap, and the redness was halfway across her chin and
up across her jaw.
I said we're going to the hospital
and called the doctor.
We waited in the ER for 2.5 hours.
Finally got in the treatment room,
they started an iv with antibiotics.
By 11pm,
i was calling daddy to pick up my big bambina
because the little one was being admitted.
The second day in the hospital and the infection covered
half her chin all the way up behind her ear.

A week of antibiotics, no sleep, and hospital food later,
and we're finally back at the homless shizzle.
Yay for us.
The bambina was diagnosed with "MRSA"
the one thing i was trying sooo
hard to keep her from getting!
Ain't life grand.

♥

Good Boy Gone Bad [pt.2]

I'm sure everyone remembers this photo:



Rihanna's battered face after her "alleged"
fight with Chris Brown.

In a previous blog i wondered about the tattoo on the battered woman's
shoulder.
Well, today i found this picture of Rihanna:
So i'm sadly assuming that the tmz photo really is her.
Sad.
Really.

It 's a fuckin shame that men can get away with whippin a woman's ass,
and us women just take the shit.
And keep going back!
I can't knock ya, Rihanna,
Cause i've been there,
But we as women need to stand up and say,

I'M NOT TAKING THAT SHIT ANYMORE!
It's NEVER OKAY for a man to put his hands on a woman.
not ever.

♥

FCUK U, CUZ i'MMA DO ME!

Yep.
I'm finally saying it.
I've done all i can.
I'm exhausted! [sp?]
I feel dried up,
worn out,
sucked dry,
beaten down,
sad,
sick,
hurting,
FED UP!

With you and ALL your bullshit.
You MAKE ME SICK!
Seriously,
sick to my stomach.
I lied,
YES.
I lied.
ONCE.
You lied tons of times,
Big things small things,
even things that didn't matter,
and i forgave you each and every time.
Swallowed the lies, the hurt, the pain.
I put everyone aside for you,
even myself, my children.
SORRY, STUPID ME.
Cause you never could, never would do the same for me.
Cause the only person u truly care for is
YOURSELF.
You can do watever you like whenever you like,
but if i treat u the same,
we're through!
You call me names,
bitch, hoe, stupid, dumbass...


And now i see the truth of it.
My Eyes are open baby,
and now i see.
God, give me the strength to overcome this as
u have given me to overcome so many
other things.
I know it will hurt,
[it hurts like hell]
But i will make it through.
I guess u were only meant to be in my life
for a seson.

My eyes are open baby,
and now I see.

♥

Tattoos

So Tattoos..
Pretty controversial at times.
Some people disagree...
[Your body is God's temple. He wouldn't want you covering it with ink. ; They're just ridiculous. When you get older
and it starts to sag you'll regret it!]

Some people dig them.
[They're a form of self expression! ; They let people know who i am and how i feel.]

There's a multitude of reasons people do or don't like or get tattoos.
Personally, i want to use them to show where i've been, what i've done and how i
made it through the struggle.
And to express my love for God, my children and my family.
And of course those i miss.

The tattoos i presently want:

^[the two symbols @ top] On the back of my neck.
Beacause though i feel weak sometimes and others may think i'm weak,
i've had plenty of inner strength.
That's how i always make it through.

A Lotus
Which Symolizes: Perfection; Overcoming all difficulties.
[Google "meaning of a Lotus Flower"]
Either on my ankle or the front of my shoulder,
because i have faith that one day i will overcome everything and finally be happy!

And two baby hands ..
Each with one of my daughter's
names beside the thumb.
♥

[Tat, Tat, Tatted up!]

Lovely readers...

Well,
i'm sorry that i haven't commented on ur blogs
in forever!
[B, ika]
Thanks for continuing to show me love with comments!
i've been going thru some tough shit and
i haven't had any time to comment anything..
Just letting u guys know
i still luv ya!~ =]

♥

Living Single.

So, i've been single for about...
Two days.
And so far,
i can honsetly say it's been hell.
All i do is think of him...
Missing him;
Then we argue.
Argue some more..
And i ask myself

[why even bother?]

The decision was made that we should part.
Mutal or not,
We parted ways.
There's no going back.
And he tries to make me feel like it's all my fault.

Not that it's such a bad thing.
Because I've been thinking of it for awhile..
But two years is awhile to be with someone...
To suddenly be without them.
i swear i didn't think it would feel like this.
I thought i'd be relieved,
but instead i'm sad...
♥

Ballad of a Broken Heart

Parting is such a sweet sorrow. Though i love you... [Love: The state of mind in which complete happiness
is obtained with another person.]
♥
Though i; Adore you, desire you, Miss you every moment that we are apart, Love you more then any other person on this planet; [outside of my children and God. =] ]. Love to see you smile, and Your laugh is music to my ears, Your kisses are like butterflies of passion. Oh, how i love you. And yet, i fear i cannot stay, because i hate the way you've become, some one else entirely... Someone not beloved by me. Hurtful, hateful, terrible, lying, cheating, dirty; i saw a very ugly side of you in the bittersweet 2 years of our love... Always i will love you. But together, we cannot be... Maybe someday you will bring your heart back to me... And begin again, in the sweetness of new love. [When you love something, Let it go...
If it comes back, it grows!
-If it's meant to be everything will work out in the end...]
So, until we meet again, i love you.

Just Can't Take Anymore.

We're struggling,
it's hard.
Very hard to handle,
it sucks,
at times it dosen't seem worth it.

i Know.
I've felt those things,
as well, and wanted to quit.
But i won't.
I won't give up because i've come too far
to turn back now.
I've been through too fuckin much
to give up on this life.
I've been down too many times before,
i'm not going back down now.
I refuse.
And though i love you with all my heart...
if you continue to drag me down,

i will leave you behind.
***

I'm sick and tired,
of forgiving and forgetting.
I've made this known for some time now,
[ya digg?]
I'm trying to hold on tight,
to stay down,
standing strong by your side,
but..
you're wearing me down.
How can i have any strength left to deal with the
world,
when i use it all up dealing with
you.

I've complained before,
told you how i feel,
screamed at you,
STOP!
Before you make me hate you..
but it seems my warnings went unheeded,
and
it's time for me to go.

My head knows,
it keeps saying
"Nikki, let's go. There's nothing more we can do.
Your smarter then this, deserve better then this."

My heart can't seem to understand.
it keeps saying
"If we leave, then what?
nothing.
Alone.
What if he never comes around again?"

I just don't care anymore.
i can do it alone.
Hell, i pretty much do it alone now.
i take care of my kids,
i go to school.
i just need a job.
Point is, i could handle it
alone.

Maybe that's the way it should be.
[digg that.]
-♥

HALO[S]

So, Beyonce's "Halo"
when i first heard it,
i hated it.
Becasue Beyonce makes some great songs,
but they're usually about a man.
[Halo, cater to you.. etc.]
I'm sorry, but i can't stand a song about
a man being the center of my world.
Maybe because 95% of the men i've ever had in my life
have done me dirty,
[personal experiences]
or maybe i'm just a pessimistic kind of person.
[shrug]
who knows, who cares,
i just can't get down with the message in the song.
So, i actully listened to the words,
and i feel like i can apply the song's meaning to my kids.
=]

"Remember those walls i built,
Well. baby they're tumbling down,
they didn't even put up a fight,
they didn't even make a sound
i found a way to let you in,
but i never really had a doubt
standing in the light of your halo,
i got my angel[s] now...
...Everywhere i'm looking now,
i'm surrounded by your embrace,
Baby i can see your halo,
you know your my saving grace.
..
Hitting me like a ray of sun, burning through my darkest night,
...think i'm addicted to your light.
I swore i'd never fall again,
but this don't even feel like falling,
Gravity can't forget to pull me back to the ground again.
♥------♥

These kids, though they may not have been planned,
and though i may not have been ready for them,
God sent them to me for a reson.
I was in a very dark place
and they came along like rays of sunshine...
and saved me from myself.
i swore i'd never let anyone near my heart again,
and yet,
there they are.
I love them so much it hurts sometimes.
I would lay down my life anyday for either of them.
And everytime i turn around,
in pain, in joy, in love, in sadness,
they're always behind me.
And i thank God everyday for them.
Without them....
Where would i be?


...♥