Tattoos

So Tattoos..
Pretty controversial at times.
Some people disagree...
[Your body is God's temple. He wouldn't want you covering it with ink. ; They're just ridiculous. When you get older
and it starts to sag you'll regret it!]

Some people dig them.
[They're a form of self expression! ; They let people know who i am and how i feel.]

There's a multitude of reasons people do or don't like or get tattoos.
Personally, i want to use them to show where i've been, what i've done and how i
made it through the struggle.
And to express my love for God, my children and my family.
And of course those i miss.

The tattoos i presently want:

^[the two symbols @ top] On the back of my neck.
Beacause though i feel weak sometimes and others may think i'm weak,
i've had plenty of inner strength.
That's how i always make it through.

A Lotus
Which Symolizes: Perfection; Overcoming all difficulties.
[Google "meaning of a Lotus Flower"]
Either on my ankle or the front of my shoulder,
because i have faith that one day i will overcome everything and finally be happy!

And two baby hands ..
Each with one of my daughter's
names beside the thumb.
♥

[Tat, Tat, Tatted up!]

Lovely readers...

Well,
i'm sorry that i haven't commented on ur blogs
in forever!
[B, ika]
Thanks for continuing to show me love with comments!
i've been going thru some tough shit and
i haven't had any time to comment anything..
Just letting u guys know
i still luv ya!~ =]

♥

Living Single.

So, i've been single for about...
Two days.
And so far,
i can honsetly say it's been hell.
All i do is think of him...
Missing him;
Then we argue.
Argue some more..
And i ask myself

[why even bother?]

The decision was made that we should part.
Mutal or not,
We parted ways.
There's no going back.
And he tries to make me feel like it's all my fault.

Not that it's such a bad thing.
Because I've been thinking of it for awhile..
But two years is awhile to be with someone...
To suddenly be without them.
i swear i didn't think it would feel like this.
I thought i'd be relieved,
but instead i'm sad...
♥

Ballad of a Broken Heart

Parting is such a sweet sorrow. Though i love you... [Love: The state of mind in which complete happiness
is obtained with another person.]
♥
Though i; Adore you, desire you, Miss you every moment that we are apart, Love you more then any other person on this planet; [outside of my children and God. =] ]. Love to see you smile, and Your laugh is music to my ears, Your kisses are like butterflies of passion. Oh, how i love you. And yet, i fear i cannot stay, because i hate the way you've become, some one else entirely... Someone not beloved by me. Hurtful, hateful, terrible, lying, cheating, dirty; i saw a very ugly side of you in the bittersweet 2 years of our love... Always i will love you. But together, we cannot be... Maybe someday you will bring your heart back to me... And begin again, in the sweetness of new love. [When you love something, Let it go...
If it comes back, it grows!
-If it's meant to be everything will work out in the end...]
So, until we meet again, i love you.

Just Can't Take Anymore.

We're struggling,
it's hard.
Very hard to handle,
it sucks,
at times it dosen't seem worth it.

i Know.
I've felt those things,
as well, and wanted to quit.
But i won't.
I won't give up because i've come too far
to turn back now.
I've been through too fuckin much
to give up on this life.
I've been down too many times before,
i'm not going back down now.
I refuse.
And though i love you with all my heart...
if you continue to drag me down,

i will leave you behind.
***

I'm sick and tired,
of forgiving and forgetting.
I've made this known for some time now,
[ya digg?]
I'm trying to hold on tight,
to stay down,
standing strong by your side,
but..
you're wearing me down.
How can i have any strength left to deal with the
world,
when i use it all up dealing with
you.

I've complained before,
told you how i feel,
screamed at you,
STOP!
Before you make me hate you..
but it seems my warnings went unheeded,
and
it's time for me to go.

My head knows,
it keeps saying
"Nikki, let's go. There's nothing more we can do.
Your smarter then this, deserve better then this."

My heart can't seem to understand.
it keeps saying
"If we leave, then what?
nothing.
Alone.
What if he never comes around again?"

I just don't care anymore.
i can do it alone.
Hell, i pretty much do it alone now.
i take care of my kids,
i go to school.
i just need a job.
Point is, i could handle it
alone.

Maybe that's the way it should be.
[digg that.]
-♥

HALO[S]

So, Beyonce's "Halo"
when i first heard it,
i hated it.
Becasue Beyonce makes some great songs,
but they're usually about a man.
[Halo, cater to you.. etc.]
I'm sorry, but i can't stand a song about
a man being the center of my world.
Maybe because 95% of the men i've ever had in my life
have done me dirty,
[personal experiences]
or maybe i'm just a pessimistic kind of person.
[shrug]
who knows, who cares,
i just can't get down with the message in the song.
So, i actully listened to the words,
and i feel like i can apply the song's meaning to my kids.
=]

"Remember those walls i built,
Well. baby they're tumbling down,
they didn't even put up a fight,
they didn't even make a sound
i found a way to let you in,
but i never really had a doubt
standing in the light of your halo,
i got my angel[s] now...
...Everywhere i'm looking now,
i'm surrounded by your embrace,
Baby i can see your halo,
you know your my saving grace.
..
Hitting me like a ray of sun, burning through my darkest night,
...think i'm addicted to your light.
I swore i'd never fall again,
but this don't even feel like falling,
Gravity can't forget to pull me back to the ground again.
♥------♥

These kids, though they may not have been planned,
and though i may not have been ready for them,
God sent them to me for a reson.
I was in a very dark place
and they came along like rays of sunshine...
and saved me from myself.
i swore i'd never let anyone near my heart again,
and yet,
there they are.
I love them so much it hurts sometimes.
I would lay down my life anyday for either of them.
And everytime i turn around,
in pain, in joy, in love, in sadness,
they're always behind me.
And i thank God everyday for them.
Without them....
Where would i be?


...♥

21 and Stronger

=] So the big 21 is only 3 days away...
=[
it's gonna suck.
What a bummer to be in the fucking HS...
[in at 7 my ass, i put in for extened curfew...
til 10:00pm..
LMAO

"Wooww, Nik, you're partying til 10 on your twenty first birthday?
cool.
[loser]

Figures.
Anyway,
ya girl will be 21 years of age,
that's saying alot if you consider all the shit i've been in
over the years.

i made it through.

and i will continue to no matter what stands in my way.

So, Happy Birthday to me!

=]

Guess i gotta make the best of it and get tore up early...
LOL!

-♥'

The new Mee.

Okay.
The time has come.
I'm tired of being the [insert my name here].
But all this time, i've been wanting to change,
I didn't think i had the tools or even knew the first thing to do to make my transformation.
Now i know that all the tools i need are inside me at this very moment, i've just been looking over them.
Because i been too busy
taking blows to my already bruised and beaten self esteem.
I'm tired of always being at fault,
of always being named the guilty party,
taking the blame,
and being walked all over, and tried up.
I'm about to be 21 fuckin years old and i'm tired of taking shit off everyone.
From now on I'm not taking any shit!
And anyone who dosen't like it can KISS MY ASS!
You know where i stay,
come and get ya some.
I'm through, dammit!
Fuck wit me if you like,
i come in a small package,
but there's an awful lot of fireworks in this little container
[if you get my drift]

Anyone who dosen't like me can KISS MY ASS!

♥

Tarot [Noun; Pronounced "tear-row"]

The tarot.
Very controversial.
Some people say it's bologna,
[lol "baloney"]
because people like Miss Cleo
give tarot a bad name.
But i believe [as they say]
that sometimes something only works if you believe in it.
Like as in Voodoo...
[has anyone seen The Skeleton Key?
the whole plot of the movie is a good example of what i mean.
The old woman had to get the main character to believe in "hoodoo"
before she could use it against her.]
So anyway,
everyone has their opinion.
i do believe
so i think the tarot works for me.
Everything my cards have said has come true.
The key to tarot cards in interpreting their meaning correctly.
Each card in the deck has a multitude of meanings
and you must read the one that applies to your situation.
Sometimes it can more then on of the meanings from a single card.
Anyway,
They don't give you a straight-forward answer
they explain the circumstances and what will happen if you continue on your path
the same way you have been, or you take the cards warning and make some changes.
Lately my cards have been predicting some harsh futures for me lately
[my significator is the lady[or page] of cups.
if anyone knows what that means.]
and it's been a rough couple of weeks for me.


♥

Heartless.

So my significant other issues me an ultimatum.
He says i must choose.
Either "my family"
[meaning my mother(whom he does not like) my 2 little sisters&my little brother]
Or "our family"
[meaning himself and my children]
.
How can he tell me I have to choose?
My family has always been on the top of my list as far as
the most important things in my life, and things I am always loyal to.

Family always comes first.

I've been like that my whole life.
I've fucked up alot of things,
but never My Family.
and God.
The only two things that have always been good.
[sigh]
Now i must choose which one to be more loyal to??
What exactly does that mean,
coming from someone I love.
Someone who's opinion I hold
in high regard?

WTF...?

Choose one or Lose the other...

Not a question,
a statement..
a truth.
He meant it!

i had to go smoke some trees after that last part.
Then i came straight to you, faithful reader...

My heart is hurting,
Beacause i am so torn...
Who ever to choose,
I feel like i lose.

He says because they never call,
it's been a few months,
they don't care.
He says he cares, the children care.
we love you.
we need you.

i say, my mother is my heart.
She's always been there, i say
just because she had to go dosen't make her wrong.
I was fucked up,
not her.
It's not her fault i was dragging the family down.

He says she's wrong for not letting me come home after i got pregnant
with my firstborn.
She should never have left you with your father.
She knew what was going on and she left you there.
He says, my sisters and brother aren't at fault,
but my sister never calls either.
And your father, he says,
don't even get me started on him.

Well, what he says is mostly true...
Well i guess all true.
But i love my mother, and my sisters, my brother.
Very, very much.
But she dosen't call me much, my sister either..
but that's just how their personalities are,
they've been that way my whole life.
Don't talk on the phone much,
always so involved with their own projects
that they spend alot of time away from other people.
And, my mother is still struggling to raise the three remaining children after i left home.
That's hard for a single mother,
especially in today's economy.
She's a busy woman
and i respect that because i am too.
People always get mad because i hardly ever answer my phone.
[with the exception of a few people.]
My sister is a teenager and anyone who is older then
20, and reading this,
you know what i mean.
Teenagers are moody, self centered creatures.
lol.

i thought this argument was dead,
i should've known it would come back.
And i should've seen this coming.
My tarot cards predicted something like this,
and i should know by now that they really don't lie.


What am i too do...?
♥

Coping

I'm having a shitty day.
Gotta do what I gotta do...
To cope with other people's BULLSHiT.

♥

Stupid Fuck Award

If there was an award for being a STUPID FUCKIN ASSHOLE,
It would definitely go to the idiot I call my love.
I mean I don't understand how it's
so easy to jeprodize someone who's down for h.im
Just to talk to some Bitch who did him dirty!
I'm so tired of having to tell this motherfucker
that it's inappropriate
for him to talk to his ex.
And why he would want to talk to her anyway is a mystery to me.
He used to call me,
and tell me about the shit she was putting him through.
And yet, he continues to have communication
with the stupid bitch.

It really pisses me off
because I know her motives are not in my favor.
Considering the shit she's done in the past...
Definitely NOT in my favor.

Well, you know what,
I'm tired of having to tell him that he dosen't need to talk to her.
When at the same time,
If My best friend, since the 7th grade
[who happens to be a Male] calls,
It's a big problem.
And the sig says he's going to leave me if I keep taking my best Friend's
calls....
But It's okay for him to talk to this slimy bitch?

Talk about double standards.

♥

Truth or Dare?

If Someone dared you to tell the absolute truth,
Life or death...
[You'd die if you lied]
could you?
...
Life's like a game of Truth or Dare,
and definetly a game of passion.
...

Truth is, I don't know if I could.
On the threat of death, okay yeah.
I'd tell,
But there are somethings about me that I don't ever want anyone to know.
Just because I know they'd judge me.
And I'm too afraid of other people's judgment
to really be myself.

Well, the new me vows to tell the truth.
To be myself, no matter what anyone thinks.
Because my opinion of myself is way more important then
anyone else's opinion of me.
In the true aspect of everything,
what other people think of me is bullshit.
Because no one has traveled my path,
walked in my shoes.
It's been a hard road,
and in my situation, how can anyone say what's wrong or right...
Because there's no telling what they would have done in
this situation.

Been here?
No?
Then you don't know what it's like.
You can't even begin to understand.
It's been a hard road.
I've been beaten down,
[physical and emotionally]
for most of my life.

21 years of hard knocks.

It changes you in a way
that's unexplainable.

Two kids later,
and I'm still trying to find a way to forget.
To let go of what's happened and embrace the future...
But sometimes it's hard.
Trying to shake off the bad influences of my parents...
Don't get me wrong,
My mother is my idol.
She was the best mom a girl could have growing up...
But her and my father made mistakes.
One's I don't intend to make with my own kids.
Period.

♥