THiS TiME, iT'S FOR REAL.*

I've said it soo many times,
but this time i mean it.
it's over and done,
this shit is dead.
I've known for awhile it would come to this,
but i truely hoped it wouldn't.
[Denial.]
But i just can't take anymore of this shit.
The bullshit has got to stop,
and Nikki is saying
"The buck stops here."
That's it, i'm done, it's over, i'm living for me now,
and for my little ladies.
[♥]
I'm making this decision for them and for me.
Beacuse my babies and i, we deserve BETTER!!
And because i'm tired of accepting second best because i'm so afraid of change.
This time change is good.
I will make it through,
and this time i want to pass this tribulation
and learn the f*in moral
of this story already!
F*CK IT!
I'm done!
On to the next;
i
welcome it with open arms,
pain and tears, and relief and joy.
I'm moving on.
Dreaming on...
=D [Ya digg?]
♥

Hospital Stay.

So,
My youngest bambina was in the hospital for a week!
Mos Def,
one of the longest weeks of my life.
It started with a pimple on
the bambina's chin.
Which turned into what looked like a spider bite.
When the skin around it started to get red and swollen,
i took her to the doctor [Friday].
She was given antibiotics and sent home.
The next day,
She woke up very swollen and the redness was spreading,
i called the doctor.
Her normal pediatrician was off for the weekend,
his partner spoke with me.
He said not too much to worry about.
Around 4:00pm
i called again.
Chaz got up from her nap, and the redness was halfway across her chin and
up across her jaw.
I said we're going to the hospital
and called the doctor.
We waited in the ER for 2.5 hours.
Finally got in the treatment room,
they started an iv with antibiotics.
By 11pm,
i was calling daddy to pick up my big bambina
because the little one was being admitted.
The second day in the hospital and the infection covered
half her chin all the way up behind her ear.

A week of antibiotics, no sleep, and hospital food later,
and we're finally back at the homless shizzle.
Yay for us.
The bambina was diagnosed with "MRSA"
the one thing i was trying sooo
hard to keep her from getting!
Ain't life grand.

♥

Good Boy Gone Bad [pt.2]

I'm sure everyone remembers this photo:



Rihanna's battered face after her "alleged"
fight with Chris Brown.

In a previous blog i wondered about the tattoo on the battered woman's
shoulder.
Well, today i found this picture of Rihanna:
So i'm sadly assuming that the tmz photo really is her.
Sad.
Really.

It 's a fuckin shame that men can get away with whippin a woman's ass,
and us women just take the shit.
And keep going back!
I can't knock ya, Rihanna,
Cause i've been there,
But we as women need to stand up and say,

I'M NOT TAKING THAT SHIT ANYMORE!
It's NEVER OKAY for a man to put his hands on a woman.
not ever.

♥

FCUK U, CUZ i'MMA DO ME!

Yep.
I'm finally saying it.
I've done all i can.
I'm exhausted! [sp?]
I feel dried up,
worn out,
sucked dry,
beaten down,
sad,
sick,
hurting,
FED UP!

With you and ALL your bullshit.
You MAKE ME SICK!
Seriously,
sick to my stomach.
I lied,
YES.
I lied.
ONCE.
You lied tons of times,
Big things small things,
even things that didn't matter,
and i forgave you each and every time.
Swallowed the lies, the hurt, the pain.
I put everyone aside for you,
even myself, my children.
SORRY, STUPID ME.
Cause you never could, never would do the same for me.
Cause the only person u truly care for is
YOURSELF.
You can do watever you like whenever you like,
but if i treat u the same,
we're through!
You call me names,
bitch, hoe, stupid, dumbass...


And now i see the truth of it.
My Eyes are open baby,
and now i see.
God, give me the strength to overcome this as
u have given me to overcome so many
other things.
I know it will hurt,
[it hurts like hell]
But i will make it through.
I guess u were only meant to be in my life
for a seson.

My eyes are open baby,
and now I see.

♥

Tattoos

So Tattoos..
Pretty controversial at times.
Some people disagree...
[Your body is God's temple. He wouldn't want you covering it with ink. ; They're just ridiculous. When you get older
and it starts to sag you'll regret it!]

Some people dig them.
[They're a form of self expression! ; They let people know who i am and how i feel.]

There's a multitude of reasons people do or don't like or get tattoos.
Personally, i want to use them to show where i've been, what i've done and how i
made it through the struggle.
And to express my love for God, my children and my family.
And of course those i miss.

The tattoos i presently want:

^[the two symbols @ top] On the back of my neck.
Beacause though i feel weak sometimes and others may think i'm weak,
i've had plenty of inner strength.
That's how i always make it through.

A Lotus
Which Symolizes: Perfection; Overcoming all difficulties.
[Google "meaning of a Lotus Flower"]
Either on my ankle or the front of my shoulder,
because i have faith that one day i will overcome everything and finally be happy!

And two baby hands ..
Each with one of my daughter's
names beside the thumb.
♥

[Tat, Tat, Tatted up!]

Lovely readers...

Well,
i'm sorry that i haven't commented on ur blogs
in forever!
[B, ika]
Thanks for continuing to show me love with comments!
i've been going thru some tough shit and
i haven't had any time to comment anything..
Just letting u guys know
i still luv ya!~ =]

♥

Living Single.

So, i've been single for about...
Two days.
And so far,
i can honsetly say it's been hell.
All i do is think of him...
Missing him;
Then we argue.
Argue some more..
And i ask myself

[why even bother?]

The decision was made that we should part.
Mutal or not,
We parted ways.
There's no going back.
And he tries to make me feel like it's all my fault.

Not that it's such a bad thing.
Because I've been thinking of it for awhile..
But two years is awhile to be with someone...
To suddenly be without them.
i swear i didn't think it would feel like this.
I thought i'd be relieved,
but instead i'm sad...
♥

Ballad of a Broken Heart

Parting is such a sweet sorrow. Though i love you... [Love: The state of mind in which complete happiness
is obtained with another person.]
♥
Though i; Adore you, desire you, Miss you every moment that we are apart, Love you more then any other person on this planet; [outside of my children and God. =] ]. Love to see you smile, and Your laugh is music to my ears, Your kisses are like butterflies of passion. Oh, how i love you. And yet, i fear i cannot stay, because i hate the way you've become, some one else entirely... Someone not beloved by me. Hurtful, hateful, terrible, lying, cheating, dirty; i saw a very ugly side of you in the bittersweet 2 years of our love... Always i will love you. But together, we cannot be... Maybe someday you will bring your heart back to me... And begin again, in the sweetness of new love. [When you love something, Let it go...
If it comes back, it grows!
-If it's meant to be everything will work out in the end...]
So, until we meet again, i love you.

Just Can't Take Anymore.

We're struggling,
it's hard.
Very hard to handle,
it sucks,
at times it dosen't seem worth it.

i Know.
I've felt those things,
as well, and wanted to quit.
But i won't.
I won't give up because i've come too far
to turn back now.
I've been through too fuckin much
to give up on this life.
I've been down too many times before,
i'm not going back down now.
I refuse.
And though i love you with all my heart...
if you continue to drag me down,

i will leave you behind.
***

I'm sick and tired,
of forgiving and forgetting.
I've made this known for some time now,
[ya digg?]
I'm trying to hold on tight,
to stay down,
standing strong by your side,
but..
you're wearing me down.
How can i have any strength left to deal with the
world,
when i use it all up dealing with
you.

I've complained before,
told you how i feel,
screamed at you,
STOP!
Before you make me hate you..
but it seems my warnings went unheeded,
and
it's time for me to go.

My head knows,
it keeps saying
"Nikki, let's go. There's nothing more we can do.
Your smarter then this, deserve better then this."

My heart can't seem to understand.
it keeps saying
"If we leave, then what?
nothing.
Alone.
What if he never comes around again?"

I just don't care anymore.
i can do it alone.
Hell, i pretty much do it alone now.
i take care of my kids,
i go to school.
i just need a job.
Point is, i could handle it
alone.

Maybe that's the way it should be.
[digg that.]
-♥

HALO[S]

So, Beyonce's "Halo"
when i first heard it,
i hated it.
Becasue Beyonce makes some great songs,
but they're usually about a man.
[Halo, cater to you.. etc.]
I'm sorry, but i can't stand a song about
a man being the center of my world.
Maybe because 95% of the men i've ever had in my life
have done me dirty,
[personal experiences]
or maybe i'm just a pessimistic kind of person.
[shrug]
who knows, who cares,
i just can't get down with the message in the song.
So, i actully listened to the words,
and i feel like i can apply the song's meaning to my kids.
=]

"Remember those walls i built,
Well. baby they're tumbling down,
they didn't even put up a fight,
they didn't even make a sound
i found a way to let you in,
but i never really had a doubt
standing in the light of your halo,
i got my angel[s] now...
...Everywhere i'm looking now,
i'm surrounded by your embrace,
Baby i can see your halo,
you know your my saving grace.
..
Hitting me like a ray of sun, burning through my darkest night,
...think i'm addicted to your light.
I swore i'd never fall again,
but this don't even feel like falling,
Gravity can't forget to pull me back to the ground again.
♥------♥

These kids, though they may not have been planned,
and though i may not have been ready for them,
God sent them to me for a reson.
I was in a very dark place
and they came along like rays of sunshine...
and saved me from myself.
i swore i'd never let anyone near my heart again,
and yet,
there they are.
I love them so much it hurts sometimes.
I would lay down my life anyday for either of them.
And everytime i turn around,
in pain, in joy, in love, in sadness,
they're always behind me.
And i thank God everyday for them.
Without them....
Where would i be?


...♥

21 and Stronger

=] So the big 21 is only 3 days away...
=[
it's gonna suck.
What a bummer to be in the fucking HS...
[in at 7 my ass, i put in for extened curfew...
til 10:00pm..
LMAO

"Wooww, Nik, you're partying til 10 on your twenty first birthday?
cool.
[loser]

Figures.
Anyway,
ya girl will be 21 years of age,
that's saying alot if you consider all the shit i've been in
over the years.

i made it through.

and i will continue to no matter what stands in my way.

So, Happy Birthday to me!

=]

Guess i gotta make the best of it and get tore up early...
LOL!

-♥'

The new Mee.

Okay.
The time has come.
I'm tired of being the [insert my name here].
But all this time, i've been wanting to change,
I didn't think i had the tools or even knew the first thing to do to make my transformation.
Now i know that all the tools i need are inside me at this very moment, i've just been looking over them.
Because i been too busy
taking blows to my already bruised and beaten self esteem.
I'm tired of always being at fault,
of always being named the guilty party,
taking the blame,
and being walked all over, and tried up.
I'm about to be 21 fuckin years old and i'm tired of taking shit off everyone.
From now on I'm not taking any shit!
And anyone who dosen't like it can KISS MY ASS!
You know where i stay,
come and get ya some.
I'm through, dammit!
Fuck wit me if you like,
i come in a small package,
but there's an awful lot of fireworks in this little container
[if you get my drift]

Anyone who dosen't like me can KISS MY ASS!

♥

Tarot [Noun; Pronounced "tear-row"]

The tarot.
Very controversial.
Some people say it's bologna,
[lol "baloney"]
because people like Miss Cleo
give tarot a bad name.
But i believe [as they say]
that sometimes something only works if you believe in it.
Like as in Voodoo...
[has anyone seen The Skeleton Key?
the whole plot of the movie is a good example of what i mean.
The old woman had to get the main character to believe in "hoodoo"
before she could use it against her.]
So anyway,
everyone has their opinion.
i do believe
so i think the tarot works for me.
Everything my cards have said has come true.
The key to tarot cards in interpreting their meaning correctly.
Each card in the deck has a multitude of meanings
and you must read the one that applies to your situation.
Sometimes it can more then on of the meanings from a single card.
Anyway,
They don't give you a straight-forward answer
they explain the circumstances and what will happen if you continue on your path
the same way you have been, or you take the cards warning and make some changes.
Lately my cards have been predicting some harsh futures for me lately
[my significator is the lady[or page] of cups.
if anyone knows what that means.]
and it's been a rough couple of weeks for me.


♥

Heartless.

So my significant other issues me an ultimatum.
He says i must choose.
Either "my family"
[meaning my mother(whom he does not like) my 2 little sisters&my little brother]
Or "our family"
[meaning himself and my children]
.
How can he tell me I have to choose?
My family has always been on the top of my list as far as
the most important things in my life, and things I am always loyal to.

Family always comes first.

I've been like that my whole life.
I've fucked up alot of things,
but never My Family.
and God.
The only two things that have always been good.
[sigh]
Now i must choose which one to be more loyal to??
What exactly does that mean,
coming from someone I love.
Someone who's opinion I hold
in high regard?

WTF...?

Choose one or Lose the other...

Not a question,
a statement..
a truth.
He meant it!

i had to go smoke some trees after that last part.
Then i came straight to you, faithful reader...

My heart is hurting,
Beacause i am so torn...
Who ever to choose,
I feel like i lose.

He says because they never call,
it's been a few months,
they don't care.
He says he cares, the children care.
we love you.
we need you.

i say, my mother is my heart.
She's always been there, i say
just because she had to go dosen't make her wrong.
I was fucked up,
not her.
It's not her fault i was dragging the family down.

He says she's wrong for not letting me come home after i got pregnant
with my firstborn.
She should never have left you with your father.
She knew what was going on and she left you there.
He says, my sisters and brother aren't at fault,
but my sister never calls either.
And your father, he says,
don't even get me started on him.

Well, what he says is mostly true...
Well i guess all true.
But i love my mother, and my sisters, my brother.
Very, very much.
But she dosen't call me much, my sister either..
but that's just how their personalities are,
they've been that way my whole life.
Don't talk on the phone much,
always so involved with their own projects
that they spend alot of time away from other people.
And, my mother is still struggling to raise the three remaining children after i left home.
That's hard for a single mother,
especially in today's economy.
She's a busy woman
and i respect that because i am too.
People always get mad because i hardly ever answer my phone.
[with the exception of a few people.]
My sister is a teenager and anyone who is older then
20, and reading this,
you know what i mean.
Teenagers are moody, self centered creatures.
lol.

i thought this argument was dead,
i should've known it would come back.
And i should've seen this coming.
My tarot cards predicted something like this,
and i should know by now that they really don't lie.


What am i too do...?
♥

Coping

I'm having a shitty day.
Gotta do what I gotta do...
To cope with other people's BULLSHiT.

♥

Stupid Fuck Award

If there was an award for being a STUPID FUCKIN ASSHOLE,
It would definitely go to the idiot I call my love.
I mean I don't understand how it's
so easy to jeprodize someone who's down for h.im
Just to talk to some Bitch who did him dirty!
I'm so tired of having to tell this motherfucker
that it's inappropriate
for him to talk to his ex.
And why he would want to talk to her anyway is a mystery to me.
He used to call me,
and tell me about the shit she was putting him through.
And yet, he continues to have communication
with the stupid bitch.

It really pisses me off
because I know her motives are not in my favor.
Considering the shit she's done in the past...
Definitely NOT in my favor.

Well, you know what,
I'm tired of having to tell him that he dosen't need to talk to her.
When at the same time,
If My best friend, since the 7th grade
[who happens to be a Male] calls,
It's a big problem.
And the sig says he's going to leave me if I keep taking my best Friend's
calls....
But It's okay for him to talk to this slimy bitch?

Talk about double standards.

♥

Truth or Dare?

If Someone dared you to tell the absolute truth,
Life or death...
[You'd die if you lied]
could you?
...
Life's like a game of Truth or Dare,
and definetly a game of passion.
...

Truth is, I don't know if I could.
On the threat of death, okay yeah.
I'd tell,
But there are somethings about me that I don't ever want anyone to know.
Just because I know they'd judge me.
And I'm too afraid of other people's judgment
to really be myself.

Well, the new me vows to tell the truth.
To be myself, no matter what anyone thinks.
Because my opinion of myself is way more important then
anyone else's opinion of me.
In the true aspect of everything,
what other people think of me is bullshit.
Because no one has traveled my path,
walked in my shoes.
It's been a hard road,
and in my situation, how can anyone say what's wrong or right...
Because there's no telling what they would have done in
this situation.

Been here?
No?
Then you don't know what it's like.
You can't even begin to understand.
It's been a hard road.
I've been beaten down,
[physical and emotionally]
for most of my life.

21 years of hard knocks.

It changes you in a way
that's unexplainable.

Two kids later,
and I'm still trying to find a way to forget.
To let go of what's happened and embrace the future...
But sometimes it's hard.
Trying to shake off the bad influences of my parents...
Don't get me wrong,
My mother is my idol.
She was the best mom a girl could have growing up...
But her and my father made mistakes.
One's I don't intend to make with my own kids.
Period.

♥

Custody

So, I was on myspace...
[surprise, surprise, LOL]
And I think to myself,
"I wonder if my asshole, ex, baby's daddy has stopped
chewing on a dick, long enough to wonder about his biological child."
[LOL]
And I tell myself, don't even waste your time.
He hasn't messaged me,
called me [before my phone was off]
or anything.
It becomes clear that he's only out for his own self interest.
Well, I visited his page anyway.

He considers himself to be some kind of "rapper"
so his page shows two new songs...
Like I said, "SELF INTEREST".
Not even a thought for his child.
[clears throat]
Let me clarify,
MY DAUGHTER.

And my signifacant other's.
He's been around since she was hmm..
three or four months?
Her sperm donor didn't meet her til she was 5 months...
He's a sorry excuse for a "father",
I wouldn't even call him that much!
What a sorry ass excuse of a man...
Well, I'm done with his excuses and bullshit.
I was done with it Months ago,
when he didn't even remember the day my baby turned two.
I had to call him 2 weeks later...

Well, that sorry, stupid, Nothin-nowhere nigga
can Kiss my ass,
and eat a dick!
I'm takin his ass to court for custody of my baby.
And Most likely,
I'll win.
=]

Then the man she loves, and calls daddy,
who loves her in return,
will finally be able to be her daddy on paper.
OFFICIALLY.
Then he'll adopt her...
and that dead beat ass motherfucker won't have shit to say...

-♥


It's all good though.

Good boy gone Bad?

So, What's really up with Chris Brown and Rihanna?

I've heard and read alot of different things about this...
I was disgusted.
This is horrible..
[And since it hasn't been denied, it's probably really her.]

But, Did anyone notice the [XI-IV] on this^ Woman's shoulder?
Is it a Tattoo?
Or is that something on the picture...?

It's also been said in the media that Rihanna may have been pregnant
when Chris Brown [allegedly] assaulted her.

Well, She dosen't look pregnant a few weeks later,
but who can tell with pregnancy.
It's a mysterious thing sometimes.
At least she looks better...
[i don't see any markings on her shoulder though..]


I'm a fan of Rihanna,
But i do like Chris Brown too.
I was shocked to hear that he was the one who
[allegedly] beat up Rihanna.
He never seemed like that type of person on TV.
But I guess that just goes to show,
Celebrities are just normal people
on the inside.

He's probably sick about it anyway.
He lost some millions of dollars,
due to the labels that dropped him...
[Wrigley's]

The question is, will people still buy his music?
I think yes,
Because like they said on 95.5 the beat,
If R. Kelly can piss on an underage girl
and have sex with her,
and still sell records and live as a celebrity,
Then,
I guess Chris Brown can still b a celebrity
after beating his [possibly pregnant] girlfriend.

[tsk, tsk]
What is the world coming to?

-♥-

Dead and Gone

So...
"I've been traveling on this too long,
I'm just trying to find my way back home,
Cause the old mee's dead and gone, dead and gone..."

Uh, I'm feeling this song.

I've been this way, in this situation, for too long.
I need a change.
The death of the old me [when it happens]
will spawn a new me.
A new [insert my name here] aka PJ Sparkles.
LOL.

"I turn my head to the east, I don't see nobody by my side,
I turn my head to the West, still nobody in sight,
So I turn my head to the North, and swallow that pill they call Pride..."

Haha. That's exactly how I feel lately.
Nobody at all by my side, and I'm dry swallowing a pill the size of a quarter.


♥
More on this later.
Maybe I'll feel better enough to write more
later...

Theives, Not Friends.

It's funny how people will take advantage of a helping hand,
And steal for someone who offered them aid.

So, me and my significant other tried to help this couple we met.
They were homeless, and she [supposedly] was pregnant.
We met them when the husband offered to fix my sig's car.
His wife was with him,
and they seemed like decent people
who just happened to be down on their luck,
like us!
We smoked our green with them,
gave them money, bus passes,
fed them,
And let them sleep on the floor for a night.
Now I think this is being pretty generous considering
that we don't have much ourselves!
We were becoming friends with these people!
I was conversating with this chick like a friend,
and my sig was getting to know her husband.
Normally I don't trust people so quickly,
But I guess they had me fooled!
The other night they were at the house when my sig
was at work,
And the husband kept asking me if my sig had been home.
I didn't know why he was asking,
so I said no.
[Even though my sig had been home, I didn't know why he wanted to know,
and if something seems fishy like that, I'm not going to willingly give up info.!]

Come to find out he was asking because he'd stolen some green!
He was asking because he knew my sig would notice if some green was missing,
but chances are, I wouldn't.
And I didn't.
They also stole half a pack of cigarettes that night.
And my sig told me later,
that more green had gone missing the night they stayed.

ugh.

This hurts my heart!
I trusted these people!
I let them come around my kids!

Now, I know a little weed and some cigarettes dosen't seem like a big deal.
But it was my sig's hard earned money that was spent on those things.
And these people had the audacity to steal from us,
when we shared what little we do have with them!
We didn't have to share,
We did it out of the kindness of our hearts.

I can't believe I trusted them.
I'll never trust another random fuckin person.
EVER.

♥

Naming my Blog

So I was finally able to name this blog!
=]
"The Story Of a Not So Average Girl."
Why didn't I name it sooner, and what's up with
the name i did pick,
You may ask?
Because.
=]
I wanted to call it "The story of a Girl"
Because whenever I thought about it, That's the first thing that came to mind.
The story of a girl line comes from a song I heard a long time ago,
and it just stuck with me.

"This is the story of a girl, who cried a river and drowned the whole world,
While she looked so sad in photographs,
I absolutely love her... When she smiles..."

To me, It's Perfect!
It's a me, in a single song lyric.
I feel like in the bigger aspect of things,
If God is looking at my life in a list of all the other lives
on this planet,
It's just the story of a female he put on this planet.
I'm a big cry baby [or used to be]
and I've shed soo many tears for so many things and people.
and I'm not very photogenic [lol]!
Seriously though,
The last part,
Well, It's in reference to the people who I smile for,
the ones I really trust,
[which I've never done alot of]
and who love me in return.

So, dear reader[s] ♥;
i Give you my Story.
May it help you understand,
[or better understand, if you know me outside of blogger]
why I am the way I am.

Most of the time I feel like a raving lunatic.
[lol.]

♥

HARD KNOCK LiFE

When this song first came out,
I couldn't relate to it as much as I thought
other people could.
But in the past few years,
I think I can relate to it
more then most people.
I'm living in a homeless shelter
with my two daughters,
having no job because i'm trying
to go to school
yet, never having enough time or money
to actually go!
And so I was informed that if I do not go to school on Monday,
I will be dropped.
ugh.
AND
I just got a letter informing me that it is time
to begin paying back my school loans...
I'm not even done with school yet.
=/
I am through with it ALL!

To make matters worse...
the significant other just [probably]
got fired yesterday.

[sigh.]

I really just want to smoke,
and just forget about everything.
But, no $, not possible.

[lol.]

But I'm not the only one who's going through some shit.
Apparently it really is a RECESSiON.
But I hope it gets better.
For Everyone.
[i ♥ u, CBS.]
And I'm keeping it all in my prayers.

Until God gives me a reprieve,
I guess i have no other option.

But at least i can comfort myself with the knowledge that,
After Every Struggle we Overcome, a blessing is our reward.


♥

As Of Febauary..

So dear reader,
if you've been wondering where i've been...
It's a long story.
First,
We moved into the Almost home
Shelter on 2/2/09.
The girls are still adjusting,
And I guess I am too.
The situation is still pretty shitty,
but I'm trying to make the best of it!!
The rules here are crazy though..
have to be home by 7,
class Monday - Thursday, 7-8,
Kids in bed by 8,
Chore 9-10,
Me in bed by 10.

I stay up late anyway...
LOL
And let me just add...
Riding the bus SUCKS ASS!
=p
Anyway,
I got my new camera on Monday!
It's a Sony Cybershot...
&& i love it!
It takes GREAT pictures!
=]

Today was a bad day though....
This morning at 9:30 am,
some bitch ass cop put my significant other in jail,
for driving an unregistered vehile without a license.
And all he did was drive to the gas station on the corner,
Which i can clearly see from my front door.
His bail was $1000.
So I went to a bail bonds man
and got him out for $133.
ugh,
then we went to Clarke County jail to get his ass out.
The most ridiculous thing I ever heard in my life....
I'm tired and the lil one keeps typing on the keyboard!!
♥

FOR BETTER OR FOR WORSE.

Wedding vows:
promises a couple makes to each other during a wedding ceremony.
Okay, and I think in the movies
i've heard "for better, for worse"
plenty of times.
So what does it really mean?

To me, that's probably the most meaningful part of
the speech.
What I've been through with my other
just in the past year and a half..
"For Worse"...
I guess the struggle has changed me...
But I guess not enough..

Because he got mad when i asked,
if it might be better to break up
for awhile,
Til both of us got our shit together...
When ever we talk about
what we need to fix in our
lives..
He talks like i'm the only one with changing to do..
Well...
I think we both have growing up
to do.
I had a baby at 18,
and another at 20.
I wasn't even done growing up yet.
And he definitely wasn't ready when I blew into his life with my peanut,
[after 4 years of having no contact with each other]
and then kinda forced another baby,
when he didn't want any children.
[LMAO!]
But he knew what he was getting into.
[shrug]
it is what it is.
They're here now,
and we need to get our shit together for these kids!
And lately, i've been thinking that
it might be easier if we took a little time apart.
I still love him with all my ♥,
but maybe it would be good for us.
But the part of me that's still a little girl,
is almost too scared to do it
for fear that he'll "cheat" on me
while we're "not together".
So it's a conflict...
[sigh]
there's always a conflict lately.

Sleepy...
Been blazin all day...
[LOL]
=]-~

ACCEPTED.

So, we got accepted into the shelter that I tried.
[sigh.]
Honestly, I don't know weather to be happy or sad!
I mean don't get me wrong,
it's a good thing...Because it could help us get housing...
But at the same time,
I gotta leave my rock.
My boo... What will i do without him around?
It just makes me a little sad...
We go through our ups and downs..
But when it's mattered, he's always been there.
=[
Plus, the whole "shelter" thing irks me a bit,
because I've been there, done that once already!
It's hard living with strangers
and all the rules are ridiculous!!
But I guess they have to be that way,
otherwise, people would just run wild and take advantage
of the help...
So Monday is the day.
and away we go.
At least we get away from the motel!
=]
But this stills kinda sucks..
I'll have to be in at 7:00pm every night...
That includes valentines day, and possibly my birthday =/
Well...
I guess I gotta do, what I gotta do.

*For these children.♥

FED UP.

i am so through!
I mean sometimes you love someone with all your heart,
But deep down you know, [they're bad for you.]
And I guess the only thing to do after that is leave. And move on.
Sometimes it's so hard, because you can't see yourself without that person.
You're comfortable with that person, and starting over is too much work!
Why start over when you have a person you know, and are soo familiar with, and can almost predict.
But sometimes leaving is the best thing.
When you're tired, and fed up with all the BULLSHiT!
The lies, the secrets, the bitches constantly hating and calling, trying to get with someone who you consider to be yours.
It just becomes too much.
They're never pleased with you,
no matter what you do.
They come home and find something to bitch about. Even though you spent your whole day
making sure everything was done, everything was perfect.

Well, There comes a point where everyone gets tired.
The point when you've had enough.
You get tired of it always being something.
Tired of being yelled at.
Tired of hearing "you stupid bitch".
Tired of it never being enough.
Well maybe you just don't have anymore to give...
Maybe you're tired of giving it ALL,
and reciving nothing in return...

R. Kelly told ya'll what happens when a woman's fed up...

There's nothing you can do about it.

LATELY.

Some things [specifically some people and their decisions and actions], have really been pissing ,me off.
I really hate it when grown people act like children!
What exactly is the point??
To get attention?
The only thing that with get you is negative attention.
An me, being the nice person i always am,
I let people's bullshit slide to avoid drama and confrontation.
Because i'm not really a confrontational person.
but lately, I'm just starting to not give a fuck about people,
Since people apparently don't really give a fuck about me and mine.
How do I know?
Because they always throw me attitude and try me like I'm scared.
Oh, I'm not scared, by any means.
I just want to keep the peace,
Because I've got too much to worry about already!
Plus the shit is childish.
And yet people are always calling me that
because I don't want to argue..
Hmmm... I just don't get it...
Well now, I don't care.
I'm doing what I have to do for me, and my beautiful babies.
Because unlike other people, my girls deserve me.
They love ME like no other.
And for them i am thankful.
♥

MRSA

Once again I had to go to the hospital last night.
I swear I am so sick of this shit. If it's not me they're cutting on, it's my hubby. =/
The "condition" is called "MRSA" or methicillin-resistant Staphylococcus aureus. It's a strain of staph that's resistant to the broad-spectrum antibiotics commonly used to treat it. MRSA can be fatal.

What Happens:
Staph skin infections, including MRSA, generally start as small red bumps that resemble pimples, boils or spider bites. These can quickly turn into deep, painful abscesses that require surgical draining. Sometimes the bacteria remain confined to the skin. But they can also penetrate into the body, causing potentially life-threatening infections in bones, joints, surgical wounds, the bloodstream, heart valves and lungs

How it happens:

MRSA is a strain of staph that's resistant to the broad-spectrum antibiotics commonly used to treat it.

Staph bacteria are normally found on the skin or in the nose of about one-third of the population. If you have staph on your skin or in your nose but aren't sick, you are said to be "colonized" but not infected. Healthy people can be colonized and have no ill effects. However, they can pass the germ to others.

Staph bacteria are generally harmless unless they enter the body through a cut or other wound, and even then they often cause only minor skin problems in healthy people. However, staph infections can cause serious illness. This most often happens in older adults and people who have weakened immune systems, usually in hospitals and long term care facilities. But in the past several years, serious infections have been occurring in otherwise healthy people in the community, for example athletes who share equipment or personal items.

Antibiotic resistance
Although the survival tactics of bacteria contribute to antibiotic resistance, humans bear most of the responsibility for the problem. Leading causes of antibiotic resistance include:

• Unnecessary antibiotic use. Like other superbugs, MRSA is the result of decades of excessive and unnecessary antibiotic use. For years, antibiotics have been prescribed for colds, flu and other viral infections that don't respond to these drugs, as well as for simple bacterial infections that normally clear on their own.
• Antibiotics in food and water. Prescription drugs aren't the only source of antibiotics. In the United States, antibiotics can be found in livestock. These antibiotics find their way into municipal water systems when the runoff from feedlots contaminates streams and groundwater.
• Germ mutation. Even when antibiotics are used appropriately, they contribute to the rise of drug-resistant bacteria because they don't destroy every germ they target. Bacteria live on an evolutionary fast track, so germs that survive treatment with one antibiotic soon learn to resist others. And because bacteria mutate much more quickly than new drugs can be produced, some germs end up resistant to just about everything. That's why only a handful of drugs are now effective against most forms of staph.

So if you didn't want to read all that...
MRSA is basically a bacteria or staph that is resistant to most antibiotics. So when is forms under your skin the only way to fix it...
Let the people at the hospital "Numb" the area, [which hurts like hell!] then take a scalpel and lance (or cut) open the area and drain out the poison[staph].
The whole process hurts like nothing i've ever experienced. Including having kids. =[
This was my second time being treated. The first time I waited so long that I had to have surgery on my side, so now there is a huge scar there.
This time it was on my left breast, so they just lanced it.
I screamed through the whole thing. talk about PAIN.
My hubby has had it done 4 times total.
It's really N O fun.

So in short I'm trying to get the word out, because alot of people don't know.
This condition can be very dangerous to children because their immune systems aren't strong enough to fight it. It can be FATAL.

MRSA is not contagious, so don't alienate someone if they have it. But if you know someone who does, DON'T SHARE towels, razors, or personal items. It is passed from one person to another from cuts or small openings on the body.

FOR MORE iNFORMATiON ViSiT: http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/mrsa/DS00735
or just google: MRSA

"Live ya Life"

I am soo feeling this song lately! It's my fave song of the moment...[My ALLTiME fave is "If This world were Mine" By Luther Vandross.♥] So I think I can relate to this song..
On more then one level, I know what you're thinking..["It's just a song" right?]
Well I really ♥ Music. So when I hear a song, I really listen to the words...
Most songs have a... message? I guess that's the best word for it, LOL.
It's basically a message from the artist, that helps the listener relate to the song on a personal level. Most good songs have them... excluding dance songs.
Anyway, I really love this song! =]

The Lyrics:

"Live ya Life" T.I. [feat. Rihanna] on the "Paper Trail" Ablbum
[thanks to "letssingit.com"]

[Chorus - Rihanna]: 
You're gonna be a shining star, fancy clothes, fancy car-ars
And then you'll see, you're gonna go far
Cause everyone knows, who you are-are
So live your life, ay ay ay
Instead of chasing that paper
Just live your life (Oh!), ay ay ay
Ain't got no time for no haters 
Just live your life (Oh!), ay ay ay
No telling where it'll take you
Just live your life (Oh!), ay ay ay
Cause I'm a paper chaser
Just living my life (ay), my life (oh), my life (ay), my life (oh) 
Just living my life (ay), my life (oh), my life (ay), my life (oh) 

[Verse 1 - T.I.]: 
Never mind what haters say, ignore them 'til they fade away
Amazing they ungrateful after all the game I gave away
Safe to say I paved the way, for you cats to get paid today
You still be wasting days away, nah had I never saved the day
Consider them my protégé, homage I think they should pay
Instead of being gracious, they violated in a major way
I never been a hater still I love them, in a crazy way
Some say they so yay and no they couldn't even work on Labor Day
It ain't that they black or white, their hands of area in shades of grey
I'm west side anyway, even if I left the day it fades away
Some move away to make a way not move away cause they afraid
I'll go back to the hood and all you ever did was take away
I pray for patience but they make me want to melt they face away
Like I once made them scream, now I could make them put the K's away
Been thuggin' all my life, can't say I don't deserve to take a break
If you ever see me catch a case, and watch my future fade away

[Chorus - Rihanna]: 
You're gonna be a shining star, fancy clothes, fancy car-ars
And then you'll see, you're gonna go far
Cause everyone knows, who you are-are
So live your life, ay ay ay
Instead of chasing that paper
Just live your life (Oh!), ay ay ay
Ain't got no time for no haters 
Just live your life (Oh!), ay ay ay
No telling where it'll take you
Just live your life (Oh!), ay ay ay
Cause I'm a paper chaser
Just living my life

[Verse 2 - T.I.]: 
I'm the opposite of moderate, immaculately polished with 
The spirit of a hustler and the swagger of a college kid
Allergic to the counterfeit, impartial to the politics
Articulate but still would grab a nigga by the collar quick
Whoever havin problems with they record sales just holla Tip
If that don't work and all else fail, then turn around and follow Tip
I got love for the game but ay I'm not in love with all of it
Could do without the fame and rappers nowadays a comedy
The hootin' and the hollerin', back and forth with the arguing
Where you from, who you know, what you make and what kind of car you in 
Seems as though you lost sight of whats important when depositing
checks into your bank account, and you up out of poverty
Your values is in disarray, prioritizin horribly
Unhappy with the riches cause you piss poor morally
Ignoring all prior advice and forewarning
And we mighty full of ourselves all of a sudden aren't we?

[Chorus - Rihanna]: 
You're gonna be a shining star, fancy clothes, fancy car-ars
And then you'll see, you're gonna go far
Cause everyone knows, who you are-are
So live your life, ay ay ay
Instead of chasing that paper
Just live your life (Oh!), ay ay ay
Ain't got no time for no haters 
Just live your life (Oh!), ay ay ay
No telling where it'll take you
Just live your life (Oh!), ay ay ay
Cause I'm a paper chaser
Just living my life (ay), my life (oh), my life (ay), my life (oh) 
Just living my life (ay), my life (oh), my life (ay), my life (oh)

[Bridge - Rihanna]:
Got everybody watching what I do
Come walk in my shoes
And see the way I'm living if you really want to
Got my mind on my money
And I'm not going nowhere
So keep on getting your paper and keep on climbing
Look in the mirror and keep on shining
Till the game end, till the clock stop
We gonna post up on the top spot
Livin my life, my life
Brand new city, got my whole team with me
My life, my life
I do it how I wanna do
I'm livin my life, my life
I will never lose now
Livin my life, my life
And I'm not stoppin

So live your life.



Knowledge I take away from this song:
Live your life in a way that makes you happy.
Don't worry about what anyone else thinks!
Because life isn't about pleasing other people. Nobody understands the situation you're in but you!
And maybe someone who's in it with you. But the Haters?
They don't understand, and who cares if they don't?
Truly it's None of their buisness.
So, Do what you do! Make this money,
Handle your business,
To put it simply,

-Live your Life!

A New Start..

Okay, so it's 2009, and I think it's going to bring some major changes for me.
I'm Ready God.
Make me over, so I can recieve my blessings!

I'm ready to become who I know I can be.
I just wasn't ready til now.
But everything has it own time,
And now It's MY time to shine!
Get ready world,
here I come!!
♥